Loss is hard...

So it has been a very long time since I've updated. I had an idea of what I might share, then we got a phone call that would send our world spinning. We were on our way home from a very good physical therpy session when Matt finally answered the phone that had been ringing for the last half of therapy. It as a family member calling to let us know Matt's dad, Mike,  had died.

I didn't understand when Matt tried to tell me.I would love to blame my brain injury, but I think I might have misuderstood before the accident. Matt told me in the elevator that his dad was gone. In my mind I couldn't understand why he would pack and just leave without telling anyone. It took me a little while to begin to understand what exactly he was telling me, by the time we were on the road I understood and my heart just broke.

Mike was my father-in-law but he was truly my husbands best friend. They spoke to each other every day and had for our whole relationship. As we learned a little more my heart just continued to sink, Matt had 2 younger sisters who had just lost their mom 2 years before. This was just not fair to them. As hard as I prayed for them, and it was a ton, I could not cry. I was so sad but could not cry. And my heart, just broken. 

I think the hardest part was that I couldn't just reach over and comfort my huband. As much as I wanted to walk over and give him a hug, I couldn't. And because of me, and my stupid injuries, he couldn't just be there for his sisters. I had found yet another reason to hate our path in life. Lack of ability to cry, I couldn't be of comfort, and I require a lot of assistance so he couldn't just leave to help. The reasons just added up, and because I can't tallk if I'm upset I couldn't talk to or with my husband. I was so sorry and felt like he had to walk out this sad time by himself. 

We got the news on Monday afternoon, and Tuesday is when the tears came. And they didn't stop. I asked Matt's mom to come over to help with me and all my needs, but also to distract me. So many of the qualities I cherished about with Matt came from his dad. But also so many of the things that frustrate me about Matt also come from his dad. Our relationship started out rocky, mine and Mike's. It wasn't horrible it wasn't great. Mike and his wife owned a bar so that was where a lot of our first interactions were. You can imagine it often got to be too...deep? 

(Christmas 2008 or 2009 Matt and Mike)

I remember one day I had come into the bar and Mike was asking me what my nationality was. I kind of chuckled and said something about being a hines 57 mix. (This was what I just I call the dogs who couldn't be distingished by breed) He got all flustered. No you have to be something. Like we are Greek. Our last name tells you that. So the answer will be found in your last name. Matt and I laughed. Matt then told Mike my last name was Johnson. Mike huffed kind of pushing us away with his hand and mummbled something about how that didn't help him know where I "came" from. Matt says something like that's what she was trying to tell you.

For all the moments of frustration he always joked with me and would give Matt a hard time and be on my "side" of a disagreement. 

He was there if we needed help with the kids, or if I needed help with the kids. I remember one day it was just the boys and I. I wanted to take them for a walk. The baby was pretty little yet so the boys would have been 3 years and then 6 months or less. Anyway I had the brilliant idea to also take the dog for a walk too. Our black lab would also have been young and really not leashed trained. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Maybe stir crazy. But we set out and it wasn't long into the walk I had a crying baby, a dog who kept running in front of the stroller then would try to take off after that butterfly or that one piece of grass that just moved in the wind. There was also the 3 year old who just wanted to get to grandpa's. So we must have had plans with them. They thankful lived about 3 blocks away. But those were the longest 3 blocks EVER. I can't tell you the releif I felt to see Mike! I was in tears and had been yelling at the stupid dog. That was probably the first time Mike had ever seen me like that. After a little teasing, he took the dog and boys to give me a few minutes to get myself back together. I was so glad to see him! Matt must have been working or fishing but I remember a moment just a moment feeling so overwhelmed and alone. Then I saw Mike and I was flooded with relief.

It's so crazy to me how I can stuggle remembering some thing in my life but when I do how much I remember. Smells, emotionals...it continues to surprise me how that works.

One more great story about Mike. We were cleaning the carpets in our house. It was maybe 9 or 10 at night. Matt and I were just working away when, Bowen, our dog started barking and running to the kitchen in the back of our house. We turned off the carpet machine which was really loud and turned to look. Standing in the doorway was a very pale Mike. He had scared the dog by coming by and Bowen had been in protection mode until he realized who was walking in the house. Mike laughed and said he was pretty sure Bowen was going to attack until he was about a foot away then Bowen's whole deminer changed and he was just happy to have grandpa visit.

(Mike and Loukas who now is 18😥)

So it has been really hard as we navigate this new bump in life. I've had to deal with so much new feelings of loss, and I also hate how I often feel everythings winds back up to pointing to my lack. I don't want everything to be about me. I hate that Matt can't just take a weekend to himself to greive and mourn the loss of such a big part of his life. If I'm really honest I didn't realize how much I loved Mike. Which sounds so stupid, but I loved that man. I wrote this thing out just about how Matt loves me and how I have seen him love me fericly through the last 4 years the most. I had seen pieces of that love over our time together, but post accident I have seen it very clearly. Mike was very similar. Once he accepted you into his family you were in. He wouldn't let just anyone in, trust me. But once he let me into the "Circle of trust" he loved me and protected me. I lived so far from my parents it was so good to have Matt's family.

I feel really bad adding my junk to what is so sad already, we have a child turning 18 and graduating high scool. So I needed to look through our back up hard drive that had years and years of work pictures mixed with family pictures. I was moved to tears over and over again or not quite tears but such a deep sadness. I loved all all stages of their lives. My favorite was by far the newborn stage. I loved the cuddles. Feel of love that washed over me everytime I would look at their face. I often joked that my love of the newborn stage was why we had so many kids. 

I know I had been told that it goes by fast and I would agree with that today, but looking at those pictures left me with the thought that had I been able to talk to that Heather I would tell her yes your life is busy but soak up these moments. For real! Slow down, it's ok to just sit and be for a while. Our life is so different than I ever saw it. So we have just continued to press forward clearing this saddress and crazyness of the end of the school year.

Theray is still going welland I continue to make progress. On Sunday we thankfully made itchurch for the first time in a year. Sothat was also emotional in it's self but they were celebrating the grads. it was so wonderful to see so many kids up there. I hate to say it but I'm ready for summer. It deffinately feels like I am trying : to rush this time, but it has been a time of seeing the good things my friends and family are doing on social media but it does take a lot to not get envious. 

Ugg... back to Sundays. It was so great to be in the building with so many people I love. I continue to be so moved by the continual prayers we get by our IHope family. and so. very humbled buy the encouraging ways people are moved by my journey. Totally got side tracked again. There is another story I wanted to share about church. I fought off tears a few times,only because I had on some great makeup.😄 At one point, looked at the floor to keep from crying.which didn't work. I looked at the carpet and got so emotional over the carpet. There was the thought of we are finally back in the building that I had seen on TV for the last year and longer, and just the memories of the times I had spent on the floor praying. I left feeling that old pull to get there for prayer again soon. It will look so much different now but the desire to pray again is strong. It's funny because although I still pray for my Hope family there is something about being in the building.

I have to say too, Matt and I drove downtown for the first time in forever, I was happy it didn't make me sad like it has in the past. That continues to give me hope of more healing emotionally as well as physically.

To change topics and wrap up this entry. Today our yougest is moving to the middle school.😥 So pretty big changes are going to happen next school year. Please be praying for Matt's family as we walkout this new loss. If your reading this ladies I love you! I am praying for your hearts.