Recovery...is hard

I never would have thought recovery would be so hard. My incision has healed, but the strength is taking it’s sweet time. 😭 I finally got back to physical and recreational therapy, which is literally kicking my tush. It still amazes me how quickly you can lose muscle if you don’t use it. My walking muscles have been lost. 

I felt really bad for my new physical therapist. I’m sure after our first few visits she wasn’t sure I had ever been able to walk more than 20 feet. We did some bed mobility, which answered my question from the last post, I CAN’T ROLL OVER. Sigh. I was able to move from my back to each side before surgery and now I can’t. I almost cried at physical therapy because of that. Wouldn’t be the first time.

So after a few weeks of having ‘poor me’ moments I got pulled out of that funk by some worship music. If you knew me before you are not surprised that music does that for me. I understand some of the lyrics on a much deeper level now. 

It was a few weeks of busyness too. End of school, 4th grade graduation, seeing pictures of kids I had in my short time in the classroom. Old photos of my kids at various ages. All really great memories of when I was ‘normal’. Matt teases me when I say that, saying you were never normal. We also went to our oldest daughter’s first 5K race. If your a friend on Facebook I shared that I ugly cried that day. The muscles in my face on the right are not always working the way the left side does. I lost it when they released the first group of girls. I didn’t know a single girl in that group, I was just moved by the time and dedication these girls had put into running. I tried to do a couch to 5K training app before the accident and never made it past week 3. In 2 years of trying. Lol I was waiting until she was old enough to do this program, then I wanted to run her first 5K with her. So I was heavy with that emotion, stuck watching instead of running and listening to and watching people around me. I’ve always been a people watcher, coming up with whole back stories on those I saw for just a moment. Watching people that day made me think about how injured I am. (I want to say broken but Matt doesn’t like that.) I watched my kids scarf down donuts while I struggled not to get it stuck on the roof of my mouth. I watched women using both arms to put their hair in ponytails. Unfortunately the longer we sat there the more I beat myself up. When my daughter crossed the finish line I had had great moments and crappy moments. I was incredibly proud of her. Which I told her over and over until she rolled her eyes at me. We took pictures but I was disappointed with myself that I couldn’t stand with her and take them. I saw a few people I knew but unfortunately didn’t get a chance to say hi. 

Then at her 4th grade graduation I struggled. I had volunteered in that school. Walked the hallways and read with students who stood on stage. It was here where a teacher encouraged me to apply for classroom jobs. I saw friends at the graduation too. It’s heartbreaking, this season of recovery. 

Sometime last week is when that worship song snapped me out of that funk. Do I or will I still struggle with this stuff? Absolutely! This week at physical therapy I was able to do more. Not where I was, but not where I was 2 weeks ago, barley able to walk 20 feet. After an intense leg workout I walked 77 feet and finished the week walking 117 feet. And it felt wonderful! It’s really starting to feel more natural on my feet. Less like I’m 6 feet tall, walking on someone else’s feet and going to fall any minute. 

I got to get back into the pool. Which is a great addition to my other therapy. The pool is tricky though it makes you think it’s not too bad. Walk backwards,taking extra big steps with lefty, sure no problem...until I’m out of the water. My side butt muscles, 🤷‍♀️, and hamstrings burn. Yikes. Sleep has been my best friend lately as I try to get back into the swing to physical and recreational therapy again.

I also started this blog a few times but apparently didn’t save it because I had to start over. Which is ok. I was in a pretty dark place the first time it was right after the 5K run and all that time out of the safety of my house. I’m sure it didn’t help going to see some friends get married either. Although it was a beautiful outside wedding. I think being in a wheelchair makes me feel like an outsider. Of course the friends at the wedding didn’t make me feel that way, by any means. It was so nice to see them, I just wished I could speak to them. 

I’ve noticed that a lot of this post has been about feelings. If I’m honest with myself, that’s when I get the in the worst slumps. Letting my feelings run my life. This is where I think men are a little more lucky, at least it’s true with Matt, he thinks with more fact than feeling. Our situation is challenging yes and I have bad days/moments but I continue to make forward progress. Sometimes by leaps and bounds. 

So the next time I’m in a funk I need to read this entry and remember forward progress is just that. I’m not where I was yesterday therefore I won’t be here next week. Especially so my eyes are not focused on what’s wrong with me today.



#TeamGavrilides