Exhale...💨
Hello again! I feel like I have been holding my breath since the last time I wrote. So forgive any fowl smell I might be giving off. When I feel like I need to write and don’t, it becomes quite painful. In my spirit. I feel like I have been running away from a lot and using a lot of good things to fill the emptiness. Yesterday I pulled out my journal and it just sat there with the date. I had started a new post a week ago and that has sat half written. The things I wanted to share were even a little older than that. Ugg...
Last week I had a moment that opened my eyes to the fact that I had been struggling with a little depression. I was so looking forward to March. The months ending in "...ary" can be super heavy in west Michigan. I believe it’s the awesome body of water we live by and enjoy that keeps the sun hidden. So like many here I really appreciate the moments in the sun when they happen until they become a little more daily. I was also buying into some lies. Like I didn’t need to share on here anymore because my life has settled into a steady pattern and I didn’t have any thing really important/up lifting to share. I often discredit the fact that there is still so much to do. As far as recovery goes.
For the last year my only time out of the house is the 3 physical therapies. We have been in lockdown at our house. My kiddos are still doing school at home. We are hoping to be able to get the vaccine soon. No matter where you fall on the vaccine issue, my lung strength is still very weak. I am very grateful that Matt was smarter than my healing brain and kept me safe. I’m not going to lie I’d have broken down and hugged or space invaded my favorite people! I miss people. And I didn’t realize how weak my lungs are. I struggle sometimes, ok most of the time, remembering I was in an accident. Which is weird because it’s always "in my face". I have to work so hard to do everything right now.
Apparently on paper I am a normal 41 year old. Which has its plus and minuses. Lol I have been real blessed to have come away from the accident without any more serious stuff. BUT I miss people. Did I mention that I missed people?
The morning of this mighty revelation of depression, I had an occupational therapy session and I moved from my "corner", of the living room, to the mat table. The sunshine was so beautiful coming in the windows. Sitting on the mat table looking out the windows gave me a new prospective. Spring was coming!
That morning I was also able to lay down by myself, pulling my legs up onto the table too. It had been months since I was able to do that. Maybe before my abdominal surgery. I don’t remember. For me I often get upset at myself over stuff like that because in my memory I was doing that last month. When Matt says things like it was before surgery I have a hard time believing it has been that long.
It was during that same session I was able to move my arms in ways that again had been a long time since I was able to do. I sat up after the session feeling very light and optimistic for the first time in a while. I thought at least I had something to share with you. It was a few more days before I would try and write. That was about 2 and a half weeks ago. Needless to say that was as far as it got.
There was definitely encouragement to share about changing your prospective. Either physically or emotionally. But unfortunately I couldn’t connect that to anything else going on in that moment. So unfortunately I began running again. Anything that could keep me distracted from my feelings. TV, games, kids anything.
I think I had really wanted to be able to write about how close I was to playing my guitar. I had such hope that seeing my fingers move was a game changer. In the last few occupational therapy sessions I have not seen them move. No matter how hard my brain is working. My therapist often says to me if looks could move body parts. After all these years, lol almost 4, I still can’t believe how my body will work one day and not the next. It’s crazy, really crazy. The hills and valleys...
I have seen some real progress in all areas. Of course it’s not happening as quickly as I’d like but it is happening. I am going to post a short video of my last walk. It was my second walk for that physical therapy session and by far not my best walking. We have lessened the weight being taken off of me my the harness. So instead of 50 pounds lighter I am 40 pounds lighter. It is really amazing what that 10 pound difference makes in how hard or easy it is to walk. I am also walking without my left ankle brace. Notice the awesome striped socks, or don’t notice 😊,that match so nicely to the plaid pants. Lol
Writing this out has really been like breathing to me. I am sorry to have been stinky, but that is real. Maybe now I can journal in my own journal. Lol The last 2 weeks of sermons from my church has really been a good reminder to write. It really does bring me peace and hopefully it brings you hope or some encouragement or at the very least a smile. But since it’s all about me it is good!😉 Remember I am funny!
Watching some of the other videos when I was trying to up load also helps me to remember how very far I’ve come. There are so many people who have helped me get this far! From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!!! I wouldn’t have made it this far without so many people doing their jobs, or life giving, breathing room for so many!! Thank you so very much!!!💕💕
#TeamGavrilides
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