Weariness...

Have you ever had someone say a word that made the puzzle pieces fit? That happened to me this morning as I listened to our church online. So unfortunately I’m going to vomit on you (sorry Pastor Tim) but hopefully I wrap it up in hope at the end.

I have been feeling this big time since I last wrote. It’s a very strange kind of weariness. It’s very heavy and dark. Maybe you have experienced this type before and honestly I’m sure I have. Matt and I have lived through a lot of craziness in our time together. As I’m sure you have too. But 2020 has taken us to a whole other level. I know it has for so many. I, like many others blame oddities that happen to us to 2020. 

So I’ve had some really great walking records over the last few months. I’ve also had an increase in nerve pain. I’m sure that adds to the weariness. Every time I’ve had an increase in nerve pain I ‘get something’ back. This time has been very bad often bringing me to tears. Nerve pain is so weird in the fact that it isn’t "real" pain. Meaning as my brain heals it is relearning what things feel like,like tickling my feet. DON’T DO IT! That brings so much pain that actually has the potential to tickle but my brain can’t figure it out so it hurts. It makes me so tired trying to figure out the most random things.

Between the election, COVID, home schooling, extended family concerns, and recovery the atmosphere feels heavy. I try to spend time praying when I feel the heaviness I can’t do anything about, but I have found myself turning away from my God and faith. And yet not. There are so many times I have felt like King David in the Psalms. Complaining and yet not really complaining. I’m so glad I can pick up a Bible and see the humanness of people in God’s word. It really helps to know I’m not alone in the weariness.

This week I hit the wall. I am weary. I have been struggling over the word disabled. I don’t even remember what caused this word to become a stumbling block, but it did. I am tired of being stuck in this chair unable to communicate clearly with my family. Unable to do much of anything myself. And definitely not with my left side. Guys, I’m done. If I could tap out I would. I’m done.

Three years, three years! That’s how long it’s been. How long I’ve been disabled. What an ugly word. I thought learning to deal with the word paralyzed was hard...disabled rubs my pride in a completely different way. 

We have been super careful about COVID, so I haven’t seen a lot of people. Which is incredibly hard for me. The rise in cases means we are buttoning down more, if that’s possible. I need people! I watched an old service from our church and was struck by the loneliness COVID has caused and how spoiled we were then. I was also stuck by joy. I am so blessed to have a church family who continues during this time to reach out. I watched online this morning, I skipped last week I was running away trying to hide. During the worship part I felt peace flood my heart. I miss being there in person but because my lungs are still pretty weak I am thankful that as a family we have decided to stay home. I know that’s not the case for every family. There is a part of me that is jealous of those who get out of their houses everyday. What a crazy year it’s been!

Anyway when my pastor was praying for service he prayed for the lonely and weary and it was like understanding came to me. Matt and I have had more than a few bad moments lately but weariness explained it to me in a way I needed to hear it. The other day I heard a TV pastor say you have grace for your place in life. During a bad moment a few hours later I tried to encourage myself with that phrase. And you know what? It made me cry harder. Why? Because I have been weary of being disabled.

I was texting with a friend last week about walking the fine line that is written about in Hebrews. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Friends this fine line is weary some when we try and carry it ourselves. It doesn’t matter what the burden is that you might be weary from, work, illness, family, COVID, politics, or disability. There really is Grace for your place. But you have to make the choice not to run in your weariness. Jesus is very real. My faith continues to carry and reconnect me to the truth. The truth is I’m human and it’s ok to have weariness but like King David I can bring it in raw honest conversations with my Father God. 

I didn’t mean to get preachy. I did have some good physical gains but they were overshadowed by the weariness. And I just have a heart to encourage you in this walk called life. And seriously 2020 has been crazy and weariness and loneliness are real struggles. Even in a house full of people. ☺️


#TeamGavrilides


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