Happy (late) 4th of July

Summer is officially here! Ok, ok it’s been ‘here’ for a while, but honestly with school being at home then off on break, the days definitely get lost. So, no school and therapy has been going 2 weeks, which means I’m working hard and super tired, so the days are mushed together. BUT we did get out on the boat! 

(I giggle a little at my eyebrows and eye size.  Matt swears they don't look that funny all the time. I'm not buying it) 

That ride reminded me of last summer and some wonderful ladies we took out. Which of course leads me to those I’d like to invite out this year...but this stupid pandemic is messing up my social life.😡 Although if I’m really truthful with myself the injuries held me back from my friends, or at least that is what I tell myself. I, for sure am not as social as I was before. Which is totally my fault. I have some amazing family and friends who have gone out of their way to support myself and my family. Although the last few weeks have been so lonely for me. I didn’t reach out, so that’s on me too.

Yesterday was super hard on me. I have had some wonderful memories of being with family and friends for the 4th, so my expectation of myself was high. Not to mention the Facebook memories that helps remind me how much fun we’ve had in the past. The 4th has been for me a defined summer holiday that I enjoy. I love being around others on this holiday. Eating food off the grill and the fireworks to end the day. On some level I’ve accepted life is different post accident but added to that is the restriction from social events. Not that I would be able to go downtown to watch the fireworks if there wasn’t the canceled events. 🤷‍♀️

My biggest struggle yesterday was how very tired I was. I was tired really early and knew I wouldn’t make it til dark. So even the small fireworks Matt bought were not something I wouldn’t be able to be apart of. I had been thinking about that for a while and then Matt ran a quick errand and when he came home I was in tears. I was trying to explain, by typing on my phone, to one of my children why I was crying when Matt walked into the living room. I was sad that we couldn’t do the normal things we use to do on the 4th, and (this is the biggest part) my brain injury was again taking something away from me that I really enjoy. 

Not being able to talk has really been hard on a day in day out basis but the brain injury is crazy. It’s hard to explain how difficult this injury recovery has been. Some days are good. My words are kinda clear and my muscles move when I’d like. There are also days where the opposite is true. This last week I’ve had some ‘hyper’ feeling. It’s the best way to explain it. I was using ‘new’ feeling but this week it’s been an increase or clarifying of feeling. I tried to explain during a occupational therapy session where there is feeling already in my left arm and hand but the left was like trying to watch TV without being totally turned in, fuzzy. On the right side it was clear but the left was almost there but just out of reach or clarity.

What I’ve learned in my journey so far is that the level of healing of this type of clarity takes a lot of brain’energy’ and I will pay for it with a struggle to focus or the extreme tiredness. Unfortunately, though it did catch me by surprise yesterday. Because of that I cried. Feeling a loss of wonderful memories with the kids of the 4th 2020.

Once Matt was caught up on why I was in tears, he laughed a little. He reminded me I had walked on a treadmill at physical therapy on Friday and if I hadn’t recovered from that I had pushed myself and did 5 laps through our house a few hours before. You read that correctly.  😃 I walked on a treadmill for the first time since I’ve been in outpatient therapy. During my time at Mary Free Bed I walked on a treadmill in a harness attached to the ceiling and I needed a huge amount of help moving my left leg. 

On Friday, at therapy I was attached to a harness attached to the ceiling over the treadmill and I did indeed need help, but it was with foot placement. Because you guys, I WASN’T wearing a brace on my foot!!!😃 I’m not to the point where I can walk without out it yet but I am actually working on that goal. But I walked on a treadmill without my boot!😍There have been lots of hopeful thoughts I’ve had in relation to healing over the years, unfortunately most of them are based on reality but on how my body worked before the accident. I had really thought I’d be in the boot for the rest of my life. It was an unfortunate way I’d given up hope.

Do to our oldest being gone last night they let me sleep through the attempt to watch fireworks in our area. Which has had pretty good results in the past. We are hoping that I would make it tonight for the small amount of fun stuff Matt bought. I wasn’t sure I’d make it again tonight though. 

The kids with Matt’s direction worked outside today, getting the back porch ready for me to go out there. The summer before the accident I spent every morning out there. It was my quiet alone time hideout. So it really is a gift to me to be able to get out there again. When Matt rolled me out to show me how it looked, I was moved to tears. The deck space looked so clean and it really was nice to have the table and chairs set back up. Although it was watching my kids working hard so I could again enjoy the backyard that brought me to tears. I have been blown away with how well they have adapted to my injuries. Which really challenges me to adapt the way I relate to one of the most devastating injuries I have.

🤞It won’t be the one 4th of July they missed they remember but the fun and laughter they shared getting the deck ready for our family. And for me I am hoping it will be that much more grace I give myself every day that I take away! Sitting outside right now is tiring but I’m hoping by the end of summer I will have a better tolerance for outside simulation thanks to their hard sweaty work this weekend. 

#TeamGavrilides