Merry Christmas!!

After the last post and my great news that things were better, even boring, Matt and I had a few bad days. Just normal married people stuff. Stuff I remember arguing about before. It makes this post hard. I’m back to admitting my humanness, but that’s what I’m good at. Sharing my hard stuff so you know your not alone in your thoughts. That said...

It’s my favorite time of the year! Only topped by Easter, although the decorations for Christmas can’t be out done. We love Christmas decorations and the warmth that comes with them. We are those crazy people who start decorating in November before Thanksgiving. We both love it, but I think Matt uses that an excuse to get more stuff every year. This year has been especially emotional. I believe the holidays are for most people really. I have been back and forth across the spectrum since putting our decorations up. I really believe it’s because once Christmas is over then it’s my birthday. Not such a big deal right? I’m turning 40 next month! 😳 It’s so funny how our minds act. Maybe it’s just me but every five years starting at 25 I would think to myself by then I’ll have life figured out by(insertion ages 25 30 & 35)I’ll be happy with my life. I found a shirt last year and bought it, maybe you’ve seen it or just can relate it says To be honest, I’m just winging it. Life, motherhood, my eye liner. Everything. 

That shirt represents how I’ve felt my entire adult life. My birthday besides bringing 40 brings the attitude I’m ok with winging it. Lol Because of my accident I get a pretty awesome prospective of my children and husband. Unfortunately it also has made me feel left out in many areas of life but the parenting aspect, ouch. My oldest and I had a pretty good friendship going. I was also his parent and mean sometimes but we would have really good conversation about life. While I know that once he is in high school that can change. I am at a slight disadvantage in the speech area. Which has lead to me not being super comfortable meeting and talking to his girlfriend. 😮 Gulp, girlfriend. He’s old enough to have one this year. (Not that he has or hasn’t in years past, but she is the first he admits to me is his girlfriend.) 

Reflecting on my age and birthday requires me to acknowledge that my kids are getting older. That is hard for every parent, not just people struggling with something. Of course also reflecting on 40 has me thinking a lot about my injuries. While I am healing and making progress I’ve been told that it was a good thing my injuries happened before I was 40. Something about the brain having the ability to recover faster. I have been able to shake that thought off because it was years away. Only now it weeks, DAYS away. There is a ever so tiny, yet still there fear, that this is it. From my perspective recovery has been slower than before, but I’ve shared how off my perception is off in general, but now... 

This off prospective is why I am so thankful to have beautiful people walking out life with. They get to share with me their struggles and victories. We get to encourage one another. Often it’s through conversation that I get encouraged. There are often promises shared that I need to take the next step. Because let’s face it, life stinks sometimes and not just because you’re turning 40 and that scientifically is the age that you’ve made as much progress as your brain will heal. (Did that sentence make sense? I remember being told they are better odds of learning what I need for life pre 40.)  Which has me leary of my birthday.

The closer we get to Christmas the worse my emotions get, in general, but push my birthday that really gets me emotional. Without sharing with Matt I’ve unfortunately, and not well, have been trying to deal with this myself. The last few months have been hard. I’ve shared and realized some things about my situation that I’ve purposely put on the back burner. As we know things burn and water boils over if we are not paying attention. 

Some of the back burner issues are there because of my injuries. The more I’m healed the more aware I am. The other issues are because of my personality. My personality issues help with my situation and hinder my situation. The acknowledgment of my paralysis has truly knocked me down over and over. How I long to have function in the left side of my body. While my speech is so much better when I get emotional I can’t speak. While I am thankful for my improved speech this emotional area of not being able to get out of bed when I want in the mornings is hard. Once I start getting upset my body betrayes me and I cry no longer able to speak. 

I have had dreams of sitting on the floor at Christmas. This in my reality will take years of therapy, if at all. I have dreams of using my left hand, specifically playing my guitar again. Also something that will take years. The admission of my disability to currently do these things has been hitting me very hard the closer January comes. I mean what if...

Here’s what I do know and try to think about. God Is good All the time!! Even in this eye opening heart wrenching season. I need to spend more time talking to my safe person, Matt.  He has been so crazy busy during this season. With a child in drivers ed classes, months late because of my situation, and 4 kids in 4 schools having 4 holiday schedules. (I mean this man!! 😍 His first hour of the day getting kids ready for school and me situated and medicated. Lol He’s awesome!!) I was saved from death for a reason. Maybe it is to just love my littles, and that is great with me. I need to put more faith and trust in Him! I am so grateful He never leaves me no matter how grumpy I am, even grumpy with Him. 

I did have a great reminder yesterday that I unfortunately forgot today. Lol I am still the same Heather I’ve always been just have a new hurdle to climb. It goes back to giving myself the grace to have reality show it’s ugly face and not letting it take me so far backwards. I don’t feel like I still look like me. I think it’s because I can feel the tightness of the muscles in my body. I’ve been stuck inside my head for so long too doesn’t help either. I’ve never been a quiet person. Having to pear down my words is hard for me, but something I have to do now. But, but I am the same in here! I had this great reminder that my heart for the stuff I loved before is still the same! For that I am so grateful!!

So during the next few days of craziness, sit on the floor for me! Hold your loved ones close! Offer grace and love to those who are obviously hurting. And especially to those who haven’t had their eyes opened yet, because it hurts! If you are the one who’s eyes have been opened and you ache...I’m sorry! I will be praying for you during this season. Find a safe person and share because You are worth it!


#TeamGavrilides

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