Life after last post admissions...

This post is way over due. I just had my follow up appointment for my DVT and realized how long it really has been since I’ve updated. I’m sorry, but the honesty in the last post was a lot. Even for me to share. It was emotional and busy, between the doctors visits and the sharing, which has always been life giving to me. I started this 2 weeks ago but never finished so I’m going to try again. I was feeling bad for having good things to share and not a big, huge lesson I learned. But I am rejoicing in the great things so I’ll share them too! We all have bad days and times, we also have great days. The aren’t everyday all day. There may just be moments of sadness and frustration or moments of happiness. I try and choose hope but sometimes it is hard. So here is me sharing some hope with you...

I’m still processing the whole paralyzed part. It can hit me out of no where. Which can cause me to be grumpy with my limitations. Although the last few weeks have been so boring compared to the last post. That is for sure a great thing. It’s just us doing life. I’ve made some amazing progress too! I guess that is for sure something to celebrate. So I’ll fill you in. My speech, if I’m really focused, can be understood. I’m still surprised when someone actually understands me. I have had some amazing moments where I can be understood by actually using my strategies from speech therapy. Who knew talking could be so hard and complicated. 

I went to church a few weeks ago, something I miss terribly, and stood during worship. Granted it was only for some of one song, but I stood. It was great! Emotional, but so great! I tried to ugly cry a few times. Stopped myself. Sang a line and started ugly crying again. It definitely changed the way I worshiped that morning. A deep felt gratitude! 

Speaking of standing, there is something I do in physical therapy called a sit to stand. It is exactly what it is, but I have been too weak to do them by myself. I stood the week before at 25 inches off the ground. It seriously is crazy how hard it has been to relearn how to stand up from a seated position. How far out your head needs to be, and confidently trusting your body not to fall over. I have since done a sit to stand by myself at 24 inches. I tried 23 inches but lost trust in myself to do it. I just need to continue to try and trust. Easy enough to say. Matt has shown me he can’t just stand up without using the nose over toes rule either. Helpful but not at the same time. Practice, practice, practice. 

My stability in standing and walking has gotten so much better. I feel almost normal on my feet. I have been able to enjoy looking around at my home from an upright perspective. I feel like my brain has made a huge jump towards healing along with my body. I am able to process things like standing and walking differently. Not anywhere like I used to but better than say 6 months ago. I had an interesting experience during walking this week. It was an increase in feeling my left leg. It was this weird awakening of being able to actually feel my hip moving forward with each step. I didn’t know I wasn’t feeling that until that moment. It is really hard to explain, mostly because it’s so strange to not have a complete understanding of something until you do. I can’t help but think of what I don’t know yet and still at the same time. As I continue to heal both in my body and brain and they communicate I am sure I’m in for more surprises. What is really crazy is the week before I had an increase in nerve pain too. Which has been a normal thing for me. Nerve pain increase about a week before increase feeling or clearer feeling. 

Matt and I joke about how thankful I am for the nerve pain. For two reasons one it means my brain is healing two it’s reconnecting to my body and nerves become as normal as I can be now. Lol although I’ve never been normal! Honestly no one is thankful for nerve pain. It is some of the worst pain because I know my toes aren’t being poked by needles but even looking at my foot won’t change the way my brain interpreters the sensations.

The extra weeks created in me this struggle so I am going to share what I was trying to share then with some additional thoughts. Lol lucky you! (I’ve probably added more since it was first written.) There is something brewing inside of me. It will come off insensitive to some, especially those that have lost someone, I am incredibly sorry about that, but I need to say it. This is my LIFE NOW! It doesn’t mean that I give up on things like therapy but that I understand when I’m trying to walk and I can’t get my hip to move THIS IS LIFE NOW. (This was written days before I had new feeling FYI) No matter how much I would like to change it and go back to life the way I knew it, it won’t happen. There are many things I see in myself now that I have time. Although I can be understood more now I find myself being quiet. I suppose that is what happens after 2 plus years of not being able to be understood. I’m also realizing how vain I am. Like when I’m shopping. I never watched those home shopping shows before and I always chuckled about who would actually watch those shows. Like many in my generation I’m a instant gratification person, but I would rather get in my car and drive, shop and drive home than wait for my purchase. With my injuries I’ve watched more TV than I’d like to admit and I find I am that person who shops from home. If the model is standing and has long pretty hair I might struggle to not buy what you’re selling. Pinterest is the same.  Before the accident I would pin pictures of ladies who’s clothes are cute, but now she just needs to be standing or have long hair. It has taken me a while to notice it the reasons why I have done so much online shopping. Now I understand a little more. I have gotten to the point I ask myself if I really want the item or am just drawn to the standing model. Lol As my brain heals I can tell the difference, and don’t tell Matt but I’m trying to be smarter about the shopping. 

This also means learning to be ok with me and where I’m at. Again a continuing theme in my life now. Life has been good!! I hope this post has brought some hope into your life. If you’re in a hard season...it’s ok to cry, but you CAN do it! If you’re in a great season, awesome! Enjoy it and set up some way to remember the good times! 

#TeamGavrilides