2 years plus...

I really can’t believe it’s been 2 years since the accident. It was a hard anniversary for me this year. It should be a celebration of life, my life. But this life post accident is tough. Honestly I hate that it happened the day after our wedding anniversary. It really makes me emotionally dread that time of the year. My injuries don’t let me celebrate my wedding anniversary, the way my mind wants to. Instead of giving myself grace I just get mad because my body doesn’t do what I want...(throws herself on the ground in her mind)

This year we added another big ordeal to the whole recovery deal. The week of August 4th was a crazy week. I have physical therapy and pool therapy on Tuesday and Thursday. I have been pushing myself hard, I mean really hard. I had big expectations of myself for the 2 year mark and I wasn’t anywhere near where I thought I should be. I had big ambitions to thank the first responders who saved my life and walking to shake hands and share hugs. The problem was I couldn’t walk that far yet. That surgery in March rocked my whole world! Grace...for myself and my situation. Never. 🤣 This is unfortunately something I’m STILL working on. My guess is it will be a running theme in my life now. Maybe always was I just have to face it now. Really face it.

So Tuesday and Thursday...by Friday I’m pretty sore. I basically have 2 hours of physical therapy those days. If I’m doing it right I should be sore. The pain I had Friday was different. It wasn’t just muscle soreness. I remembered a workout I did once when I was ‘normal’ and woke up the next day and could barely move and my body hurt so bad. I had a baby then so I had to move. I mentally compared the two experiences. Saturday we had a funeral that we went to and I was able to push the pain away for that time. Sunday was full of pain, mostly in my legs. My right leg gave out a few times, it was so weak. My left leg, the "dumb" leg, was doing more work, so it hurt more than normal. Still convinced it was muscle pain Matt stretched my legs Monday morning and that seemed to help for a while. We ended up canceling some therapy that day. I remember in a crying fit, in front of my children, I had the thought, I expressed to Matt.  That if my body was going to hurt this bad after a physical therapy workout, I was done with physical therapy and I wanted the electric wheelchair I’d denied as an in-patient. I’d given up. If I never walked again awesome just take the pain. Matt, who had been encouraging me for days, began to voice his thoughts. Needless to say I went to bed in tears. This man of mine has walked through some stuff I cannot even imagine. He’s kind and loving as he does the never ending jobs needed for my care. He had to, multiple times that weekend and Monday, carry me because my legs weren’t strong enough to hold me up. I could tell he was stressed and asked a very dear friend to pray for him.

Tuesday we finally made an appointment to see my doctor. It was Wednesday before I could get in. Where Tuesday was painful, it was doable. We all have that pain tolerance, once hit we are done. That was Wednesday morning for me. I was in so much pain I begged Matt to take me to emergency. Unfortunately with my speech not being clear and the fact that emotion adds to the disfunction he didn’t understand me. Once I was comfortable I was able to make it to my afternoon appointment. After a ultrasound, ordered as a just in the worst case scenario, they found a DVT or blood clot in my right leg. Which was the worst case scenario. It was long, really long. I had no idea they could be that long! 

Needless to say the DVT caused the weakness and pain. So I was having to start over again with my physical therapy. Ugg...So the week before the 2 year mark was filled with pain, tears, canceled therapy appointments, and lots of reclining. Which doesn’t lead to thank you visits. 

Thankfully I started to feel better right away. I continue to feel better everyday. Therapy days are hard because I did have to take a break of that week while we waited for appointments. This leaves me tired and often falling behind where I was. Plus I am in waiting for the whole of the clot to reabsorbed into my body. That takes time. I got back to therapy the next week, but that was my 2 year mark week, which I was behind on all my goals.

I was able to, on Sunday the 25th, share a small part of my story with a wonderful woman’s event here in Grand Haven. For me it was life giving and appropriately named Revival. I wrote what I wanted to share and a friend read it. It was a blessing to me to have those women listen to my story. There was a part in there that was a first for me, in that, I actually faced it. I will share here because if you’ve read any of my posts you probably understood this about me even though I didn’t. I’m paralyzed. I never allowed my brain to even think about that word, and what it meant, let alone acknowledge that I am. It’s mostly my left side, and even my arm more than my leg. There I’ve said it a few times now. I’ve even joked about it with Matt. I believe I will start moving past it because it’s no longer hidden in the dark for me. As with my struggles and sins acknowledging them seems to help me move forward. Just because I’ve shared my hidden struggles with you, and everyone, doesn’t mean you need to feel obligated to share more with more than a trustworthy person. I have had this whole post rolling around in my brain in one form or another and I kept trying not to write about it. I mean who really wants to share their insecurities to everyone?!? Especially family. I hate feeling like I’m weak to Matt. He has been so incredibly strong for our children and for me. I don’t want him to think it’s all for nothing. (So even though I’m writing this I let him read my posts first. Just FYI. 😁 Mostly to make sure my facts are right and not just brain fog stuff.)

I keep returning to what seems to be my life verse...

Psalms 46:10

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;  I will be exalted among the nations  I will be exalted in the earth

Being unable to move much on my own takes this to a new level. I still have to choose Him in my stillness. I am constantly in awe of what He is doing in my life! So I encourage you, and myself, to stop with fear and planning ahead and trust Him. Even in the midst of what seems horrible in my eyes He will be exalted. And refocusing my eyes on Jesus and not my situation allows me to deal with being paralyzed. For now. "Don’t think, just walk!" My saying to myself in physical therapy the first out-patient round. Trust my brain to remind my body how to move, even if I’m not fast.

#TeamGavrilides