1 year home update

Happy late New Year!! I hope 2019 has started out well for you! Yesterday was 1 year home from the hospital. What a year it’s been. Some good days some bad days. Lots of healing.

It’s been one heck of a few weeks. I have for the first time really questioned why the God I love and devoted my life to allowed this to happen to me?? Let me be very clear I don’t believe He caused the accident, but allowed it to happen. What was His purpose? Your guess is as good as mine. It’s weird how the healthier my brain gets the more I have to deal with this new normal. You know what?!? It SUCKS!!! I hate that I can’t move very well or talk very clearly. 

BUT I cannot deny what He has done for my healing in the last year! I’m going to tell you the things I’ve noticed not what Matt or the therapists or my dr noticed, just me. 

Don’t be grossed out, but I don’t drool as much. 🙂 When you have to relearn so much including how to swallow this is a huge embarrassment. Especially if your know your not supposed to drool all the time. I notice it mostly when walking. I can look down without too much worry that something might drip out. It might still happen here or there but not EVERY time I look down. Now if it would carry over to the pool that would be great! I don’t know what it is about the pool but I definitely drool more there. Sorry R! 

Huge shoutout to speech, kids can understand me! I’m still not super clear. My speech therapist has said families have their own languages and I would say that is true here too. After spending months stuck in my head it’s so nice to be understood. I still use my tablet and phone a lot but Matt and I can have a conversation. Often I am random, always have been, so it is nice to come out of left field of conversation and have him understand me. It is very interesting how my voice sounds to me, loud. I always feel like I’m yelling. Imagine months of your ears feel like they are always clogged and your voice echoing inside your head. Breathing, swallowing and chewing all echoing too. I have moments of hearing without being in my head, more as my brain is healing, but still I’m mostly in the clogged ear stage. It’s sometimes frustrating when one of the kids is being sweet and whispering in my ear but it’s feeling clogged. Ugg...only a season. I’m having more time with clear hearing. Thank you Jesus!!

I can drink, swallow liquids more smoothly. I remember a liquid chart I had at the hospital. It was a struggle to hit the amount of ‘cups’ I needed each day. Matt was a crazy man when I came home making sure I hit that number. Threatening a hospital trip if I didn’t hit it my goal everyday. Thank goodness that trip never happened. Now I have no problem going over my ‘cup’ requirements. I am so grateful every drink no longer includes coughing. Also there was never a situation of aspiration! All good things that always seemed unthought about before.

There are certain things you look forward to eating when you can’t eat anything. We all experience this when we are dieting or fasting, but imagine not being able to eat anything at all. What would you crave? Seriously? Pizza was a big one but thankfully I was able to have that at the hospital. At home it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch that was my craving. I remember the first time I had some and how sad I was that I couldn’t chew it very well and it didn’t taste like I remembered. It was a new experience to feel texture where I’d never felt it before. Blueberrys were interesting, it felt like seeds, tiny ones in the middle of the berry. Almost too much to take. I’ve never had issues with texture before so it was new to me, especially being as the smallest textures bothered me the most. My tongue strength was nonexistent too. I could hardly get my tongue out of my mouth so moving food around my mouth was incredibly hard. I recently had Cinnamon Toast Crunch and it was so much easier to eat. It tasted so good I had seconds, surprising Matt. Turns out all the tongue homework from Speech Therapy work! Lol Who would have thought! 

My left arm moves a little now. Matt and I were walking around the house this week and he was teasing me about something and I tried to hit him with my left arm. Which has always been a joke that in order to make bad jokes he just needs to sit on my left. Well Mr. Gavrilides it’s coming, that left arm movement. 

All in all 2018 was a great year. Honestly though I have even bigger expectations for 2019 and my 39th year. It always amazes me to read or hear about the struggles of other people in similar situations and how great I’m really doing. Don’t get me wrong there are moments where I could easily listen to the lies in my head that I’ll never get any better, but this here, this blog, is a remembering stone. From my own perspective of how much healing I’ve noticed. I heard the cliche ‘you’ve been given a second chance at life, don’t waste it’ on a tv show this week. I was struggling with some depression and this simple sentence brought me back. Along with some good heart to heart talks with a trusted friend. I can be honest about my situation. It sucks! Definitely not what I ever saw happening in my life let alone at such a young age, can’t believe I just wrote that, 39 always seemed so old until it’s you. I am still here for a reason. It’s not my job to figure that out but to focus on loving well. I’ll just focus on the things I’ve mentioned here. I am noticing a trend in my writing. I often end it with refocusing. If your like me in any way it can not just be a daily struggle but a minute by minute struggle. So join me, so I won’t feel alone, to look at the good things no matter how small they seem! Like the blueberry seeds, notice them and plant them in your heart.