So THIS happened...
November 5 I’m at physical therapy and my therapist, Alicia, says let’s try something. She points me to the bar and asks me to try walking not holding on to anything! Wait, WHAT!?! Then this happened...
She’s teased me before about actually using the walker, since I often carry the walker instead of using it, but to purposely choose to walk without anything in my hand!?!
Secretly I’ve wondered if I could, but I wasn’t about to ask out loud something so crazy. So we get up to the bar and "set" up. Meaning getting it in my head I’m about to walk and work on convincing my body to join me. I take my first steps and put my hand on the bar. Fix my feet position and try again. Take a few more wobbly steps and stop. I broke down crying my first steps in 14 months. Alicia my physical therapist cries with me, thank goodness I’m not the only one. I am just overcome with gratitude for this hospital and all the people who poured into me over the last 14 months! I guess we made enough of a ruckus that another patient congratulated me. Laughter is usually how we attract attention in the therapy gym but this day was tears of joy. In a moment like that I was just trying to convince myself that I actually I did it, it was hard but doable. And I ACTUALLY DID IT!! It wasn’t Alicia moving my legs or holding me upright, but me! Crazy!!
There is a lot of thought that goes into everything I do now. Walking is tough because it requires me to trust the person I’m walking with and my own body. Once I’m past the first walk with someone new I’m good with them but I find it much harder to believe in my own ability. The really crazy part is as my brain heals and reconnects with my nerves on the left side the harder it becomes to convince those limbs to move. Often that is what I’m focused on...left hip and knee, step, right foot, walker, left hip and knee. This week I shared the thought that goes through my head with each left step...in this instance it was beginning the process of walking in general. Ok move! My brain shouts to my legs who don’t move by the way. Now! I’m serious! Move! Still nothing. So I say it out loud, trying to hit my left leg, which I still can’t quite reach when standing up. Wake up! After a few minutes of convincing my body I can walk I start taking steps. Talk about frustrating. I’m so glad my husband is so involved and makes me laugh or I might cry. Then poor Alicia would have to deal with me all emotional instead of Matt and all his sarcasm and humor. Those of you who know me no laughing at the emotional part and don’t tell Alicia. I’ve been pretty jovial since meeting her. Only one bad day I think.
Once I got home and back into some kind of routine, I forgot how awesome this moment was. I’m grateful for Matt taking video, although I often have to ask him. If I was a deer or fish he’d not think twice about taking a picture but because I’m just his wife...😉 I’m just kidding. I’m not sure he missed more than 1 physical therapy appointment my entire 5 month stay in the hospital. So he was just as invested in this walk. I watched the video with my Monday night small group and 2 things struck me. Alicia’s smile says everything about this walk that I need to know (I wish I could remember this as I walk at home) and these ladies where so happy. This really was a big deal! Again something I need to remember at home. Not to beat a dead point but nobody thought I’d make it this far for years if ever. I need this reminder almost everyday, not because I need a boost but because it’s hard and overwhelming to relearn everything! The reminder puts things into some kind of perspective for me. The thought was a wheelchair for years maybe the rest of my life. So glad God has other plans!
I went back into a machine called the Zero G, that is a harness that runs on a track, for the next 4 visits. It supports body weight and only allows a set number of inces for a fall. I believe the harness made me 20 pounds lighter and had 4 inches to fall before the machine catches me. I went back and watched the video from a year ago, my first time in the Zero G. It’s crazy the process I’ve made! Again my prospective is off what yours is because I’m having to put in the work and most of it quietly and in my head.
It’s taken me 3 weeks to write this post not just because I’ve been emotional, which I have, but because I’ve been tired. It’s amazing how many muscles you use walking. Convincing my left hip and knee to move has been a problem in the actual walking but in recovery my biggest problem has been my rump. 😅 Yes, you read that right. My backside hasn’t been used in months either and it’s sore. My abs hurt but the other big thing that hurts is my neck. I would have never thought that would be a problem but it has been. Matt has had to rub my neck everyday for 2 1/2 weeks. I’m not complaining though. It’s always about that time of the night when I see the full body massage and stretching ads on tv and I begin thinking I deserve that. Lol Emotionally has been hard because I’ve been so tired. I personally become an emotional wreck if I super tired. Needless to say this month I’ve gone to bed many nights before our kids. This next video was taken November 16th. After working on the Zero G.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7uvryOTCMk&feature=share
The Zero G walking helped with weight shifting and balance. I took some progress testing shortly after my Zero G work and I beat my old numbers! I’m getting so much closer to walking on my own, but there is still much work to do. I of course in my awesomeness as a overachiever think I’ll be walking by myself in no time, so I make mental plans. With no sense of reality. Then get disappointed in myself when I can’t walk around my house wearing my new sweatshirt. I need to set goals, but they need to be reasonable, pushing myself but also giving grace.
I have also told myself to slow down in the walking. No reason to challenge Alicia to find more things for me to do. Lol Just kidding Alicia...kinda.
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