Recovery...is hard

Wow! It’s been over a month again. I had set a goal to update every 2-3 weeks, just to keep things up to date but I failed. I remember about 2 weeks in, I wanted to update but I was struggling emotionally. If I’m really honest with myself and you it’s been weeks of struggle. Today is really the first day I "feel" happy. I’ve had great moments, happy moments, grateful moments, but a lot of sadness the last few weeks. 

The really frustrating part for me is simply I’m healing. Slowly but healing nonetheless. It’s crazy that so much of this started after my last posts about being a miracle. Here’s my struggle lately...my hair had to be cut short. I had bad lesions on my scalp, one that was found after my hair was gone. Man, I don’t think I’ve ever missed being able to put it up in a messy bun more! I sometimes look at old pictures and remind myself that it can be long again! It’s going to take time just like any other time I’ve cut it. Although without the movement of my left hand/arm and limited movement in my right arm I have one style. (Giggle) I love and appreciate my husband, I mean he’s been doing an amazing job of caring for me, but man I would like some variety in style. I try and be as flexible and easy as I can be. I mean he’s caring for me 24/7, parenting our 4 kids, driving me to therapy 3 days a week, keeping the house clean for my other 5-6 therapy sessions at home not to mention being busy for a small ladies Bible study group once a week, or transporting our family everywhere they need to be. Would it kill him to add an additional hair style to the mix? (Or maybe I just need to use this desire to strengthen my right arm. Although then I couldn’t blame him. 😉) I’ve been blessed by a woman who loves me and does amazing things with my hair! She always has, but man have I been blown away by the way she has loved me through this! Encouraging me that my thickness has returned and it will be "my" hair once more. 

Hair, yikes, I’m so vain. 🙄 I’ve also struggled with my immobility. Walking was something I used to do without thinking at all, now every step has to be thought out. Not to mention how crazy it feels to be so tall. Sitting in a chair for months changes your perception so then standing is weird. I now have to think about foot placement, especially with my left foot. Turn out, keep wide to left, don’t cross over the right foot, lift at the hip, balance lean forward not backward. Walking around the house is so hard. Having 4 kids and a dog means we have a lot of stuff to walk around. Depending on my mood walking in the house can be good to see places I remember so well and love or it can bring sadness. A deep sadness over what I struggle to do now. It often comes out of no where this sadness over not being able to walk by myself, roll over in bed without freaking my husband out. My left side is the hardest. I can’t scratch my right arm when it itches. I got a new craft machine and I’m hoping to entice my left arm to move and be helpful. 😉 I hope it works!

Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful for how far I’ve come. The understanding of how unique my situation is last a short time for me. Unfortunately it’s happening to me, so I often revert back to not thinking about how unique this is but how hard. Again if I stick to the moment or activity at hand I’m usually pretty good. This is where lessons of my second son comes in handy. My son has always lived in the moment. Whatever he was doing was the best time he’s ever had. He still lives in the moment. On one hand it’s great for being in the moment but on the other hand he never gives a second thought to the next moment or any possible punishments. Often opting for the fun then punishment because the fun was worth it. I’m trying to continue to walk out my recovery this way. Challenging myself but staying focused on the work at hand, not what I can’t yet do. 

Getting out of the house is great for me, and yet it often brings sadness with it. There was this crazy thinking that I had that once home I would be able to do all the things I did before. Once I was out of the hospital I’d be able to walk and talk and my left side would move. It doesn’t work that way and I’d was told this but still struggled with it. So moving forward into next year I am trying to take a more realistic viewpoint of my abilities, with outside help because we know my prospective is off. 😉 I can do more than I "should" be able to do but healing takes time. Something I need to remember more. More grace for myself. I feel like this may be a running theme in my life in this season. 

Grace would for sure help with the struggle to want to be healed when healing seems slow. It’s coming. The crazy thing about my sour attitude is I’ve seen many firsts happen in therapy. Even that hasn’t been enough to break my attitude. Yesterday though it finally broke and I feel more like myself. You know it’s bad when your family notices. Matt said something to me about finally being me again. We laugh more when I’m not feeling so down.  I’ve missed those belly laughs we have together when I’m not crabby. Over the small things too. Which helps me. This whole season is learning to not take myself so seriously, but enjoy the moment! AND have fun! 

I feel like we all need more of that! Not taking ourselves too seriously and enjoying the moment enough to have fun! 

Two Sundays ago I heard from 2 different pastors to have God’s viewpoint about our situations not our viewpoint. So look down not around. This spoke to me for a number of reasons. Many friends and family have had visions of me walking and talking again. Enough for me to believe it. So me getting down on myself over what I can’t do is ridiculous, I’m healing from major injuries. I also need to remember this.

So here’s my take away from this last month...

1-Recovery is hard but grace wins.

2-Trusting God is of utmost importance to my recovery. Allow myself to look at my situation from His viewpoint not my own. 

3-Enjoy this time with my husband and kids. They truly have been amazing. I want to be like my kids when I grow up. 

4-Focus on this moment, this challenge only. The rest will work itself out. (See #2)