3 month check in

     I know it’s been about 3 months since my last post. That’s why I never made it as a great blogger before. 😉 How has life been here in our neck of the woods? Great, I am continuing to make great progress! I had a personal best in how far I walked 2 weeks ago of 225 feet, this week I walked 268 feet in one walk. No stopping for a break and guiding the walker all by myself. You’d be amazed at how hard a walker has been for me. Especially as feeling is coming back to my left arm and it doesn’t like the restraint of the walker and it has felt unstable to me because of lack of strength in my arms. Last week I started water therapy twice a week, my doctor likes to say anything you can do in the water you can do eventually on land. It’s very tiring to add an additional physical therapy on top of what I’m already doing. I’m thankful they feel I’m healthy enough to add such a physically demanding therapy. It has worked my abs and hammies out! There are moments that I wish I hadn’t made such great strides because then they couldn’t expect too much out of me. 😉 I also had a few great events this week. My first was a family birthday party the second was an event for the girls VBS participation. I’ve turned down invitations because I wasn’t confident in me yet. So this was a big step. I realized how much I’ve missed on social events. I am definitely an extrovert. 😉

     Emotionally it’s been a rough few weeks. While my speech has gotten much better it takes me a while to get a sentence out. Oftentimes, I just give up and use my IPad or a phone to type it out. While frustratingly slow, my breath support has gotten better and I’ve been able to say more than one word per breath. I’ve gone from making sound for 2 seconds on average to 5 seconds on average. I’ve struggled with making sure there are pauses in between words, so it’s not just one long mumble. It’s crazy how much I have to think about when speaking. Tongue placement, lip movement, loudness. When I struggle to communicate I get stuck in my head. I’m not nice to me. Although I’m nicer now than before the accident. I often don’t believe in myself. When Matt or a therapist says WOW, I just brush it off as they helped me do whatever it was, walking or lifting my arm. I don’t know what it is, but I find it hard to believe I’m strong enough for any of it. I love to hear my girls brag about me, or my husband say he’s proud of me. This is where I share with you, believe what people say about you! Especially if you have lots of people saying the same things. I’ve heard how strong people think I am or how awesome, I struggle to see it. I told Matt the other day I’m just the same old Heather I’ve always been. He laughed and said he always told me I was special, now I couldn’t deny that. It does lead me to think I’m really not the same woman, I now have many more mountains that I am determined to get over. So I just do what is asked of me in that moment, I don’t think about yesterday or tomorrow just right now. Also to do the task at hand with as much joy as I can. Which when it’s physical struggle can be really hard. I’m still working on any stinkin’ thinkin’ as one pastor put it. 

I’m not where I want to be and that sometimes has me in tears. Matt will often remind me that it hasn’t even been a year yet. I’ve already exceeded where he had been prepared I might make it to, eventually. Or I was reminded in trying to write this last week, the intersection where we were hit, people have lost their lives. God protected me, I’m trying to remember that too when it gets really hard. Obviously my ‘job’ on earth isn’t done yet. Not that I’m thinking about that ‘job’ in the moments of therapy, it’s not something I think about daily only in the really low moments, because I need to understand I was kept alive for more than this season in life. For me, not my family or friends, death would have been easier, seeing Jesus and being healed and whole, but I was protected from death. This season is hard for me, but that’s what this is, a season. I may have life long reminders of this tough season, but I am trying to walk out this season with grace. Grace for others and more importantly myself. It’s always been easy to extend grace to others, but I find it harder for myself. If you find yourself in the same place remember Jesus loved you and thought you were worthy of grace through His death. It’s true. Why is it we can’t see ourselves as worthy, but He can, and has since before we were born? I don’t have any great answers for this question. I’ve been asking the Holy Spirit to help me see me the way He does. It’s a continual prayer. That and I would give myself the same grace I give freely to others. It’s a work in progress, as is my healing. Hopefully the spiritual healing comes as quickly as the physical healing has. Lol Really however long it takes is good. 

I’m going to try and blog more often. No promises though. 😊