Happy Resurrection Day!

     Happy Resurrection Day! Today for me is like the Super Bowl of holidays for my personal faith. This weekend represents Jesus Christ choosing me over His own personal comfort. Not just me but you as well, if you choose to say yes to Him. It’s been a hard weekend for me, because it’s so important to me. I didn’t make it to church but watched it online. Which is exactly what I needed. I’ve been writing this blog for a few weeks, not really sure where I was going with it. Just complaining? Was anything going to point to God? This mornings message and worship tied it all up for me. It brought me some clarity I will need as I move forward in this new season. Hang with me, please. I hope you too will get something out of this.

     I’ve struggled a lot with the no voice thing. The gift of a new iPad helps immensely. Helps me do this blog. Along with being a little more apart of conversations around me. Including talking with my kiddos, who for the most part understand me. But occasionally need help especially if what I’m saying is long and involved. I struggle to understanding that it is getting better. It took a long time to me to understand that my voice didn’t sound anything like it did in my head. I didn’t understand why nobody could understand me. In my head I was talking clearly.It wasn’t  until my voice was recorded that I understood what I sounded like. Although now that voice is stuck in my head. I now struggle with telling if it is sounding better or not. Although when my 11 year old understands me I know it’s getting clearer.

     A few weeks ago, I met a new doctor. Not a biggie, I’ve gotten used to meeting new people. This the location was familiar. It’s located within the same building I’ve carried both baby girls to, and one kid had his appendix removed. All those times I walked into that building sometimes carrying babies and sometimes just walking together with them, but I was always able to speak.  I lost it in the car ride home. Poor Matt the man takes amazing care of me and then I start crying for no reason. I just couldn’t deal with how much my life has changed. With my new iPad tucked safely away, there’s no good way to communicate with him that I’m not in pain, just having a pity party. Unfortunately this has happened a lot lately, as I feel there’s so much I can’t do right now.

     The very next day we get a call about changing the location of physical therapy. Great news! A few weeks before we thought we would heard anything from them. So we head back to the hospital for an evaluation with outpatient physical therapy and visit my friends who might be around. We say hi those we saw, it was fun to roll the halls and know that I get to go home afterwards. No offense my hospital friends, but it’s kind of nice. Again I broke out into tears. This time it was the realization of how much work it was going to take to get back to being "normal". Months really possibly years before I’m back to being me again. 

     There is so much work to do. Think about not being able to walk let alone use your left leg. Or worse left hand. I remember a time when I couldn’t use either hand an I would chant in my head ignore the itch, go to sleep. My face and head were horribly itchy. I also remember how excited i was to be able to touch my nose. I knew that itching my face was just around the corner. 

    The physical and verbally are just small examples of things I need to work on to get back to "normal".  Last night as I was getting ready for bed Matt was telling me how proud he is of me. Which humbles me, he took care of our 4 kids while he didn’t know really what was happening with me. I’m not sure if the situation were reversed I’d be as good at that as he was. I have never been alone in this healing journey I’m on. I’ve felt Gods presence everyday. There have been moments where I’ve tried to say I didn’t do that it was a God thing, but no voice means it’s just in my head. If I didn’t want my life to reflect the love of Jesus before, I do now! It’s always been my goal. I want it to pour out of me so others experience it without my words because I can’t yet.

     Some of my biggest struggles in being home is simply the reminders of a time when I could walk there myself. Or when we drive somewhere remembering 8 months ago I could do it myself. In the moments I’ve struggled in the last few weeks it’s because I’ve taken my eyes and heart off Him and focused on the situation. As soon as I put my focus back on Him I’m filled with hope that some day soon I’ll be walking and talking. Soon might not be my soon, cause I’m still learning about being still, and letting others serve me. Both of which are hard for me. I want to be the one serving. This has been an ongoing conversation between God and myself for years. Be still and be served ok Daddy I get it. Help me to keep my eyes and heart on You!

     So today and future days I will celebrate the amazing sacrifice Jesus gave for me! When I start to feel down I will be more determined to refocus on Him, and how far I’ve come. I’m not dead. I’m still alive and making progress. It might be slower than I’d like but it’s happening and I’m still here!