3 weeks home

My life has changed drastically since August 22, 2017. My husband and I were in a car accident. It almost took my life and put me in the hospital for the last 5 months. I have no memory of the accident, thank God. My first real memory is September 19 my youngest daughter’s birthday. I remember be saddened and confused by the fact that I knew I couldn’t see her. In some weird dream the girls and I drove from home to the hospital. I knew I’d be staying awhile because I packed some boots that in my dream my mother in law had made for me. Because she knew the stay would be long she went to Goodwill found the perfect therapy boots and added fuzz. Needless to say I thought this dream was real and I would feel guilty if I didn’t wear them. So that worked for weeks before I realize that my hospital stay wasn’t a dream. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. It had more to do with not seeing my kids then the staff at the hospital. The first few weeks of my memories are hazy because of some of the heavy duty pain killers. But I do have moments that stick out for me.  Some moments that God used to open my eyes to my perceptions not only of myself but of those around me.

I remember one time a nurse I didn’t recognize, that doesn’t mean she had never worked with me just that I didn’t remember her. And she told me I was beautiful. I,  in typical Heather form brushed off the complement as she just sees Jesus in me. It’s not really me she’s talking about. I’m fairly certain that at this point my hair had been cut off because of a bad knot and some open wounds.  I remember thinking but we cut my beautiful hair. I looked up and saw some pictures on the wall, thinking to myself I was beautiful. I’m not sure I’d ever really seen myself as beautiful before, but looking at the pictures and seeing the huge smile on my face, I remember thinking that  I was give just about anything to go back to being her again. There is a weird disconnect that has happened. The before memories and how I think about things and remember them now. It’s very weird. I’m hoping some of that is the meds and it will change a little when I’m able to back off them a bit. I had another moment like that. It was with singing. I’ve never thought I had a good voice. But because of the accident I haven’t had any voice in months. So when Matt my husband brought up my phone and played a video recording of me singing and playing my guitar I couldn’t believe how pretty I sounded. Again there was a moment of I would give anything to be her again and understand that it really is about a heart condition not a voice tone. I wasn’t leading worship in anything other than some smaller ladies groups and with friends. I miss that. Playing the song  and actually being able to sing. 

I have always struggled with taking people at their word. Especially if they had nice things to say about me. Like if they said I was pretty or sweet or worse even if something I said affected them. I’ve had a few opportunities to share something God has put on my heart and I’ve been complemented on them. Ladies telling me how something I said effected them in a positive way. But because I had a low self esteem I never took them super seriously. For that I’m sorry. I’ve had people tell me they loved me, and I realize now I didn’t believe them. Because I was and continue to be, overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from our church family and community itself. I honestly had no idea the level of influence I had. I am beyond grateful to God for His favor in my life. I am so thankful to be alive.

I think of all the injuries the hardest one for me is the lack of voice. I am so social. I love to talk. And the fact that my brain still functions the way it does is a medical miracle. The injuries I received during the accident should have killed me at least once over if not multiple times. Matt unfortunately had been told once I’d been put in a coma to not to expect me to ever be the same. I could be in a coma for at least a year. No one expected me to make the recovery that I have. I’ve overheard I’m a medical miracle. A once in a career patient.  I have, I believe, exceeded everyone’s expectation of where’d I’d be by six months post accident.  I’m not done yet. I have months of healing yet to do. But God has carried me this far.

I struggled a few times with the lack of voice. I had 2 friends visit and both times when they left I thought, Man that went horrible. Couldn’t have gone worse. And one for sure left and told our friends that I was struggling with depression. Which was far from true. I was having a bad day. Letting my thoughts run away from me. Or let’s be honest just having one of those days where I struggled with my injuries more than normal, it happens to everyone. I struggled with not spending a lot of time in the word of God. The only prayers were often, please don’t let this heparin shot hurt too bad or help me make it through this therapy well, no pain or falls. I never fell but it was a fear  when you only have one side that works. So my friend left and I was super frustrated because once again I had been misunderstood, because of an injury that wasn’t my fault. I had no idea this visit would be part of another conversation months later. It hurt that one visit could be taken so wrong. Or that she would keep talking about it after people who had seen me on a weekly basis didn’t see the same thing. Or talk with my husband who saw me daily and I talked to about my struggles with. He knew about my lack of time with the Lord. He always encouraged me that God was with me, and I knew that. One of the things I was so grateful for was the hunger God put inside me about 2 years before. To really dig into His word and seek His promises. So while I wasn’t in His word while I was in the hospital it was in me. Growing and speaking to me when I needed it .

I had another friend visit and I cried the whole time. She kept saying some things that were hard for me to hear. Making me feel like this whole thing was my fault. How could I think about myself when my situation was affecting everyone so much. I didn’t need to talk about myself, I knew how and what I was doing. But it would have been nice to talk about anything else. I had therapy coming and needed to not be a hot mess, I had work to do. I didn’t need what felt like negativity coursing through my head. I needed my friends to be encouraging. 

So friends, I’m asking you when you go to visit a friend next time, any friend, not just those who can’t speak. Don’t carry any of your issues in with you. Check them at your door when you walk out of your house. Pray that God would give you an open heart for their situation. Don’t take your baggage into any situation with you. It’s something that I realize now, I did all the time.  It’s one of the things I hope I never forget from this season. Making fellow Christians feel heard is my heart. Part of why I do what I’ve done, is to make sure people get heard, really heard. Now my goal will be to take people at their word for real and to walk into every conversation with no expectations. Unless their actions don’t match their words. I have people in my life who verbally say I believe in you, but their actions say they don’t at all. That’s ok because there are plenty of great people who do believe in what God has put in me.